Just a few days before Valentines….two pink lines appeared before my eyes.
As one might expect….I would be over the moon, ecstatic. Shouting with joy at the top of my lungs. Dancing throughout our home….dreaming up all the creative ways we would share this news with our family and friends.
In fact, I was not like that at all. Yes, I was happy…..but my spirit felt suppressed. My joy was quenched. Fear immediately began to take residence and steal every bit of celebration in what was to be a super special moment, day, season…
When I found out that I was pregnant with Ezra….I honestly never thought I would/could lose the pregnancy. I saw the pink lines. It was set in stone. He was in there…..and I would see him in 9 months. End of story.
After having an early miscarriage in November 2014….my world was rocked. It was so unexpected. I was blindsided. And just like that…..my story included a miscarriage. Another loss.
In August 2015, I realized how much my wounded heart was affecting me. It was keeping me from living wholly. What was once the happy-go-lucky, all is well, everything will work out, glass is overflowing…..was now speaking nothing fruitful over her life and allowing fear to rule all thoughts and dreams. I began to believe that I should no longer expect goodness or blessings in life…and that any and all joy, happiness, gifts…..are all reserved for Heaven. Don’t expect much here, Kelli. Look at where it got you these past 5 years.
I found myself in Nashville just two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Every trip to Nashville is always refreshing to my soul. I crave being there, especially when I feel like I need a little boost….as I know I will leave being filled up by friends that fully know and love me. Friends that speak LIFE. And its those conversations that I can’t wait to get around the table to hear and take part of.
My dear friends Cameron and Heather took me to dinner…and that night was a game changer for me. Through all the tears….my heart began to patch up a bit. Their words over my life, my future, this new life growing in my womb….was like healing balm to the deepest parts of my heart. Y’all to be loved in such a way….that people just freely speak over you….speaking things to our Heavenly Father on your behalf because you can’t even muster the words yourself. THAT is friendship. And that is love.
“Kelli, you have been in a long season of mourning…..and THIS IS YOUR SEASON OF JOY. RIGHT NOW!”
Those words still ring in my head, every single day. Its a truth that I continue to cling to. [Thank you, Cameron!]
Something changed in me…..and I fight for it daily. I know and have always believed that God is good….no matter the valleys that I have walked though these past 5 years. He was always near. I was never alone. But this life is meant to be lived wildly…..shining brightly of His goodness. God delights in us. He wants good for us. He desires to bless us…..and not for us to be selfish with it, but to be a blessing to others. He loves us and He is a giver of good gifts….not just in Eternity, but here on earth. I am worthy of His love…. [including all the mysterious ways He chooses to shower us with love]
This pregnancy was extremely emotionally for me during the first trimester. There were phone calls that I wanted to make, that I will never be able to make. I would sit in the parking lot after my doctors appointments and just cry out to Jesus……and ask for Him to comfort my heart and to fill the voids that I was feeling in that moment. Isn’t that how it should always be? I was taking a social media break during this time….so picking up my phone, getting that digital hit to distract and suppress my feelings by scrolling through other peoples stories was not an option….and I was forced to sit, to be ok with the silence and to reach out to the One who desperately desires to be our first call….and ask Him to draw me near. God not only wants to satisfy our hunger, but he desires that we hunger for more….more of Him and more of what He desires for us and from us.
So, the verse that has been my theme this year is this:
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” –Isaiah 43:18-19
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When my sweet friends, Jeremiah & Rachel dared to dream with me on a baby announcement shoot….they were in it heart and soul. Their ideas and visions were as if they had read the writing on my heart. They blessed me with their time, love and talent. We spent the afternoon together at our local nursery and they so wonderfully captured my sweet Ezra and I. Its rare for this mama to be in front of the camera….so these images are a treasure to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
If you’re still reading…..thank you. Thank you for your time…..and for listening to my thoughts in this season. Thank you for your prayers. For thinking of me when you do. And before I end this post….I want to encourage your heart…..to remind you that you are LOVED and WORTHY of His love.