Five years ago tonight. Living in Nashville, Tennessee. I was leaving a photoshoot when Heaven weighed heavy on my heart like never before. As I pulled into a Hobby Lobby parking lot….the only words that I remember hearing on the other end of the phone was “Honey, he’s gone.” My dad. The first man I ever loved. The one who loved me unconditionally and encouraged me endlessly. Gone. Just like that.
June 15, 2010 marked my life. Rocked me to the core. Radically shifted my priorities in life.
In the last 5 years, I’ve lost both parents, a sister and had a miscarriage [this would have been baby month for us]. Through all this heart wrenching pain and grief, I see the world through a clearer lens now. Heaven truly is our homeland. I see brokenness in people and I feel it deeply, but I also see the amazing grace and sweet tenderness of my Heavenly Father. The One who continues to sustain me. My rampart.
Of course the pain of this world sucks. Big time. I hate it. It’s all so sad. These feelings are always on the table. I’ve never questioned God about these things [never felt the need to]….but angry in general that such events have even happened in such a short amount of time. A break would be nice- if I could have it my way.
My intent is to never put a happy face on something so sad, but I’m extremely careful of the thoughts I allow in my mind and the words that I choose to speak.
Pain is a microphone…..and it’s been one to my own heart and soul. I’ve been preaching to myself more in these last 5 years than ever before.
The rain falls on the Godly and the ungodly. God comes closer; He’s near to the brokenhearted. God gives us unique opportunities to shine through our pain. I must focus on what God wants to do through my life.
Thank you to those who have walked near me in my suffering and heartache. Your prayers, handwritten notes, intentional coffee dates and words of encouragement have brought such joy to my spirit.
Tonight, I’m remembering my dad. The way he loved and deeply cared for people. He championed the underdogs. He met people’s needs, out of his own lack. He was the church in the wild. His life wasn’t about him or what he could gain. I miss the dad hugs, text messages and just having him around as I go through such seasons in life.
Thankful for this truth…..that I will have more of a future with him than what we’ve had in the past. Heaven is our Home.
“a portrait of Ezra, once a week…every week, in 2015.”
